America's Weird Conception of Freedom

America is known as the country of freedom, equality, and...Tom Cruise or at least this is how we, French people, see it! But after two years in the US, I have realized that, first of all, America is far from being equal, and secondly, Tom Cruise is not in that many movies, and finally, their "Freedom" is all messed up!

Sure: they have freedom, but not the good kind! For example, you cannot walk in the street while drunk. Hey, that should be cool as long as you don't destroy cars and public property. Neither can you pee outside, even in a forest behind a tree! I mean, urine is probably a great nutrient for plants, so where is the beef?

Also, I, as a foreigner, am not free to drive with a license from my country, when Americans are free to drive with their license in France. Are you guys scared that we might crash into your cars? First of all, your cars are freaking tanks, so you don't risk anything, and second of all, you guys are the ones with TV shows showing how bad drivers are in the US!

It is also illegal to say the F-word (or six other dirty words) on public spaces (TV, Radio, newspapers, Online, conferences). I mean South Park is complete crap without those dirty words!

So you are going to argue that those are a few surrendered liberties that are necessary for society's functioning, and that you do have freedom in your life. You sure do! You are free to:

- carry a gun in 49 states (exception for DC and Illinois). Are you guys crazy?
- Insult people publicly, or protest at military funerals (yes, I am talking about you Westboro Baptist Church!)
- Westboro Baptist Church: those people should not even have the freedom to open their mouths!

And each state has its own rules. For example in Alabama, incestuous marriages are LEGAL but dominoes may not be played on Sundays! In Massachusetts, snoring is illegal unless all windows are closed and securely locked, and all men must carry a gun to go to church! And finally my favorite: it is illegal to have a water gun fight/duel in this same state! Woohoo, kids must have so much fun!

Now, of course it goes without saying that these silly laws are no longer enforced and are simply the remnants of an earlier time. However, the fact that these laws even existed at one point in time shows that the American people have a propensity for legislating in all aspects of life, private or public, despite their many claims of limitless liberty.

Thank you America! It is so fun to live here!

The easiest language on Earth?

American people don't realize how lucky they are. They don't have to learn a foreign language because English is the international language, and nowadays everyone has to speak English. 

For English speakers, English looks hard, but as soon as they start to learn another language (let's say French, without being biased), they realize how much easier English is. 

Something Americans always want to know is how long I have been learning English. Well, I have been studying English since I was 9 years old, which is the norm for any French student. English is a required class in our school programs. 

English is also the easiest language ever, and this is probably a reason why it is popular all over the world. English is easy because it has a simple pattern and no hard verb tenses to remember. You want to talk in the past, just use "did" in your sentence, or add "-ed" at the end of a verb, except for a few exceptions (of course it can't be that easy!).  

English is especially easy because English speakers are kind of lazy (or genius, perhaps?) They turn any noun into a verb, an adjective or even an adverb! For example, did you know that a DJ deejays? And a cook cooks...we can google things on Google. We tweet on Twitter, and we spend hours at a time "Facebooking." 

But as a foreign speaker, English plays some tricks on me sometimes. Some words are so close in their sound or their spelling that it throws me off completely! Here is a simple example: Buy, by, and bye. You also have the great right, write, or rite. Really?! 

The plural tense is also really funny. Here is a short poem to make my point: 

We'll start with a box, and his plural is boxes

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. 

Then we'll have a goose, and his plural is geese

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese

You may find a lone mouse, or a full nest of mice

But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

So next time a non-native speaker doesn't understand you, don't make fun of him! Remember that English can be a tricky language. And to practice, check out this poem. 

My Funny Trip to Warren County Administration

After two years of living in Iowa and having to rely on people or my own two smelly French feet to get me anywhere, I decided to get a driver's license. I need a driver's license because, even though the United States of America is the country of freedom and liberty where dreams come true, I cannot drive with my French license.

Anyway, I went to Warren County Administration, which is across the street from my campus, to gather some information and paperwork. The nice lady behind the counter told me that I need to pass all the tests, just like an American citizen would, even though I have been driving for 5 years now. 

So, the last time I had been there, I brought my passport, my license, and a proof of residency--in that case, a letter from my college saying that I was living on campus, and studying in Iowa. We can therefore, with a fair amount of certainty, assume that I am an Iowa resident. 

NO! Not for the administration of this country! Apparently, saying that you study and live on a campus located in Iowa is not a proof of residency. The lady told me that I could be studying here, living on campus, and still be a resident of Missouri. 

First of all, who would like to live in Missouri? And secondly, why would I study in a college in one state, but live in another? Do they think I love driving several hours every day to go to class? I can't drive, I don't have a LICENSE! 

But the funny part is that a bank statement or even a bill from a local doctor are proofs of residency! 

So, to be clear here, living and studying all year in a state does not make you a resident. However, going to see a doctor for a headache--potentially while you are simply passing through--is the best proof of all time!

Finally, when you've gone through all that paperwork, it only cost you 10 bucks, and one hour to get a license. And yet we wonder why people are bad drivers...

Top Ten Things I Can Do Since I Live in The US

France and The United states of America have a cultural gap that allows me to offer you a Top ten things I can do since I live in the US.

10. I can get girls with my accent.

9. I can watch 30 minutes of commercials every 10 minutes.

8. I can count in Fahrenheit, where zero is actually 32...Still don't get it.

7. I can get run over by a driver who is only 16.

6. I can watch 200 channels with nothing on...but commercials.

5. I can speak French only to bother people.

4. I can know that the stats of the NFL are provided to me by Gatorade!

3. I cannot say the F-word on TV, but I can write pamphlets about how much I hate Jews/gays/Canadians.

2. I can sell my liver to get a heart surgery.

And the number 1 of top ten things I can do since I live in the US...

1. I can more easily get a license to carry a gun than a driver's license.

We Don't All Smell Bad and Have Funny Mustaches...

Living in the United States of America was a dream--a dream that came true a year ago when I officially became a student at Simpson College, IA. Having the opportunity to live here allows me to see for myself what makes America one of the most popular and desired countries in the world.

First of all, I would like to clarify something. French people LIKE Americans and America. Do I have to remind you that the US Army "saved" us during World War II? Probably not since some of my American friends think that the French flag is all white! We love the American culture that brings us TV shows, music, and Blockbuster movies. Have you guys ever seen a French blockbuster movie?...Me neither! 

Saying that the French flag is white raises one of many stereotypes that face French people in the US. We apparently smell bad, as evidenced by the famous character Pepe le Pew. You should know that we take more showers than the average American; at least, that has been my experience living with three Americans. 

And for the American guys, French girls are NOT hairy, and some of them pay more attention to grooming than American girls. So, if you ever have a shot with a French girl, go for it! We are the people of love.

And I should mention that America owes France a lot. We fought for your freedom in the Revolutionary War. If you don't believe me, just ask Mel Gibson. He was there.